Should We Give Premarital Sex a Chance?

The best choice for nearly everyone, but a political no-go zone, argues anti-abstinence op-ed

95% of Americans do it before saying "I do," yet it's unusual to read a serious political defense of premarital sex.

Conservative advocates of abstinence dominate the political discourse, and even sex-ed programs tout it. That means "sex-positive liberals" need to step up with their side of the argument, writes Jill Fillipovich.

"Having sex before marriage is the best choice for nearly everyone," she writes, and government money shouldn't go towards telling people to wait. Here are her reasons why:

It's never worked: "We are literally funding an idea that has never worked in all of human history."

Waiting is correlated with failed marriages: couples who wait marry earlier, and that's linked to higher divorce rates, and unhappier marriages.

Sex is good for you: it makes you happier, healthier, and longer-lived - and if you wait until marriage you're likely to have less of it.

Not everyone gets married: "The instruction to wait forever to experience a fundamental human pleasure is pointless and cruel."

If you wait, how do you know if you'll be sexually compatible? "The inboxes of advice columnists from Dan Savage to Dear Prudie are filled with letters from couples with mismatched sex drives and bad sex lives."

Via Jill Filipovic, the Guardian.

Do you agree that premarital sex is better for most people than abstinence?

[Lpguy]

Yes! sex came first, and it is a more natural human act than marriage is. Just take responsibility for yourself and enjoy!

[citizen7]

I think it should be a personal decision. However, you should understand that someone who has not engaged in premarital sex may not want to marry someone who has had sex with many partners. So in saying that, if you find that special someone who doesn't partake in premarital sex and you fall in love, be vary aware that your prowess may be something this person can not accept. As my first sentence in this comment, it is a personal decision and neither decision to partake or to wait is wrong just personal.

[jamie91]

I don't think it would be surprising that someone with very different outlooks on life would not be compatible. That goes with a lot of life decisions, not just sex.

[POLYMATH257]

Clearly.

[Mercury34]

Premarital sex is gonna happen. It's impossible to stop it.

[CanisCanemEdit]

Whan have we ever been able to legislate morality?

[GunPolitics]

happens all the time, just doesn't work

[Penn1699]

This article is lame as well as its' excuses... To each his own.

[Denizen_Kate]

Where you see "excuses" I see biological imperatives.

[Penn1699]

@Denizen_Kate As stated, " to each his own."

[CoIntelProMike]

I would yes, over and over.

[edindav]

I lost my virginity at 16 after a 6 month courtship , relationship without sex in. American English , which made the sexual aspect of the entire RELATIONSHIP amazing. There was an anticipation that made us and then made the 'occasion' completely beautiful. However to end up marrying someone to find out on your marital bed that your completely out of sync with each other sexually is a divorce. So my opinion is don't just jump into bed but definately have sex before you make an ENORMOUS COMMITMENT called marraige should see a shrink. Your boyfriend/girlfriend might like doing a David Carradine type deal so you test drive a car so you test drive...... I will let your imagination run wild.

[Realthinker]

Several thoughts. While it may be unstoppable, there was a time when many women wisely practiced abstinance and they understood it was for their own good. Premarital sex today is far more common than it used to be and we are reaping the consequences of the "It's inevitable" attitude. Second, there is a real push toward the attitude that unprotected sex without consequences is an entitlement. Hence the notion that birth control and abortions must be free. It goes hand in hand with the idea that government must provide a cure for AIDEs. Preferably yesterday.
I suggest that birth control is already free and completely reliable. It doesn't require a prescription. It is the word "No". Self-respecting women have used it for centuries.

[TeresaJ]

Thank you for stating this nicely. Liberals are so backwards it's hairpulling.

And honestly, if you are choosing your spouse on the basis of sex, it's an enormously shallow relationship.

I'm not trying to sound conceited, but I was a virgin on my wedding night, and married at 22. We have been married for over 10 years, and still going strong. I didn't marry my husband because of sex, I married him because he is hardworking, loving, had potential to be a good father, and brought out the best in me.

[TeresaJ]

@TeresaJ J

ust to put this out there, if you build your life on a strong standing of ethics, your life will be more satisfactry than if you build it on your own whims.

My husband and I both have strong ethical backgrounds. We considered our courtship to be a building of our character. Today, his job is one of which he is on call 24/7, and it often takes him to places for which he will be gone for days or even a week on end. But I am never concerned about what trouble he might be getting into, or if he is cheating on me. I trust him 150%. That is the peace of ethical living. I have never been worried about an STD, pregnancy, the law, or anything of that nature.

Such things however, have to be built from very young up. We are failing our youth with our own attitudes.

[TeresaJ]

@TeresaJ
JUST to put this out there- typo

[Realthinker]

@TeresaJ I agree completely. A sexual relationship in marriage is built gradually with lots of understanding, patience, and respect for one's spouse. There is no such thing as instant compatibility, sexual or otherwise. You avoid nasty surprises by talking everything through before planning the wedding; values, expectations, goals, etc. Anything less is a divorce in the making. When we say the kids are going to do it anyway we are tacitly giving them permission, a poor choice on our part, a cop out, really. They will never know how to build a successful relationship if we don't show them. The mess we have in this country is the result of ignoring the wisdom of the ages, thinking we know better. BTW we are a few weeks away from our 40th anniversary.

[edindav]

@Realthinker Sex is a natural occurrence between two , hopefully , likeminded individuals. When you walk out of the church or civil service you still find others attractive. So from day one you are fighting a battle against the natural feeling of sexual attraction. I don't believe that you should be with one person for the rest of your life because it is not natural. One person should not be with one person forever but that is a personal opinion which i do sometimes wish had happened to myself. I went 21 years married with a lovely lady and we did not split because of sex but because of pure boredom. Seeing one another for such a long time was not in my opinion healthy or really normal. However i could be one case and a wrong one at that.

[Nemesis3X]

It's better for RESPONSIBLE people!!!! Losers that expect everyone else to bail them out, should stick to abstinence.

[DARSB]

Geeze, I've been post-marital so long I can't really recall pre-marital...

[hwyangel]

Sex is not free.

[Fishbone345]

Utah has one of the highest rates of divorce in the country. And that is directly related to the pressure to get married so early and outlook on sex and relationships.

[Lorth]

All they are saying is give PIECE a chance?

[LGRepublican]

I like sex as much as the next person, but the sex isn't REALLY the issue. The issue is being RESPONSIBLE about it. If you and your FWB are taking advantage of your relationship, there should be a discussion about using birth control and what happens if one of those "Oops" incidents happens. I personally think that one of the main reasons that talk never happens is that our government has taken consequences out of the equation with all their hand wringing and programs. Single and get pregnant? No worries, there's a government plan to take care of you, pay for childcare, etc. etc.

[Just_Lisa]

http://www.youtube.com/watch...

What's love got to do with it??

[mimi57]

LOL...Love that song. Love (lust in most cases) will always find a way. I think
the out of wedlock birth stats will show that we have been giving premarital sex
a chance, not only a chance, but tv.,movies, music, all promote it..especially
Hollywoood.

[ibcingu]

I think we already have, haven't we? For many years now. Look. we're ALWAYS gonna have irresponsible, worthless people running around, so what's the difference if you have them when you're single, or married? Might as well have a good time creating them.------ I'm FOR the SEX (premarital or otherwise)

[Stratton]

This is a totally fake argument. Nobody is spending government money on telling adults not to have premarital sex. We are spending money on not telling TEENAGERS to have sex while they are still minors and incapable of handling the consequences. WHy si that so difficult to understand?

Liberals these days seem to spend their time setting up straw men to argue with and throwing red herrings around. I wonder if it is because they are afraid to actually confront real conservative positions, because they can't actually refute them, so they have to convince people by lying about them?

[Denizen_Kate]

Stratton, here's a little bit of truth for you: humans will engage in sexual intercourse. It's a biological imperative. Liberals and other middle-of-the-road logical thinkers aren't saying "have a lot of indiscriminate sex and hang the consequences." We're simply saying that expecting all young people to abstain is unrealistic, therefore educating them as to those possible consequences, then allowing them the freedom to choose their own course, is much more productive than just saying "don't do it."

[Stratton]

@Denizen_Kate - I am not against educating students about contraception at all. However, that does not mean you can't also promote abstinence. There is nothing unrealistic about abstinence for teenagers - while not everyone will practice it, many more will than if it is not promoted and encouraged.

[Denizen_Kate]

@Stratton that's what I meant by educating them about consequences.

[Souljah]

@Stratton I think what he means is ..if you preach Abstinence and someone breaks the rules there most it most likely will result in a pregnancy or possible STD if that person has Not been taught about birth Control/contraceptives.. so I guess the problem is How to teach them about contraceptives, but still promote Abstinence.. Its not as far off a concept as some might believe..

[Stratton]

@Souljah - No, it's not difficult to do at all really. The problem I have is that many in the educational community act as if promoting abstinence is just a waste of time. That's what I object to.

[Denizen_Kate]

Yes. It's ridiculous to expect young people to abstain. Sex is a natural function of our bodies, and even if you believe god made us, it seems silly to me to believe god wouldn't want us to use what he gave us. It feels good for a reason. And consider: that little spot on the female genitalia serves no other purpose.

[Decent-Dissent]

Better? Or more likely? We are animals: we hit puberty, and sex happens. It always has: or we wouldnt Be here today.

[Keyjo]

I really like your new avatar.

[Decent-Dissent]

@Keyjo
Thank you sir. "DO NOT PET THE PORCIPINES" had run its course :)